RIP Newtown CT | goodlittlegirl's Blog

Fridays school shooting has left me reeling as well as most folks around the country.  My heart truly hurts for those families and the town of Newtown CT. Maybe it's because I have a son around the same age as some of the victims, I'm a parent or that I live just an hour away. What ever it is I am deeply saddened by this senseless unspeakable act that took place to mostly children no less.  

This morning I woke up around 730 after a restless night of sleep.  Tossing and turning in my bed, thoughts running rampant with a mind of their own, delicately weaving together frightening and sinister dreams. Waking was a reprieve. Still sleepy eyed I rose out of bed, put on some sweats and a hoodie and wandered out to my car. Something was gnawing at me.  Pulling me. Telling me I needed to go there. 

Call me crazy, call me what ever you want but thats what happened. I didn't stop for coffee, or gas or snacks. My gps chirped away make a left here, turn right there keep going straight---straight to Newton CT. It only took a little under an hour to get there but that left enough time for me to get tangled up in my  thoughts. Twice I thought about turning around, once I actually did but that pull was stronger than I anticipated. 

With only 10 miles to go the drizzle rained down from the gray cloudy sky above. Fitting weather. I could feel my heart begin to race as I passed a sign for Newtown. You could feel it. The eerie difference while entering this quaint little town. Up ahead I spied a few cars at the side of the road, some police others not. I wasn't all the way there yet so I rubber necked as I drove by. Maybe it was an omen of things to come but a trooper was pullin on the collar of a dead family dog who had been hit and killed by a passing car. This is how it began. Both the trip and my tears.

I didn't know where I was going but that pull I was talking about, it did. Descending into the town, bumper to bumper cars in sued. People everywhere. I pulled over into a church and followed the masses. Most folks were dressed in black, while the media and reporters were kept at a distance. Tiny memorials enveloped the entrance to the church. I'm not really that religious, I was actually raised Jewish, but none the less I followed suit and sat down in one of the pews. St. Rose I believe the church was named and Catholic. Wasn't the first time being in a church for me but it was a first of a Catholic one. I stayed about 10 minutes and felt that darn pull again--tugging. 

I knew where it wanted me to go and I did. A mile down the road I entered into the town of SandyHook. I parked and followed the lines of people, walking along the closed road, men, women, children of all ages, nuns in their outfits with flowers in tow.  In silence I walked in the wet december day. Photographers clicked and snapped photo after photo of us, teary eyed and somber. To me this did not seem real. Then there it was.  The entrance sign to 'SandyHook elementary school'. Candles adorned the memorial sight, teddy bears and loveys, flowers and notes all together while we looked on. 

This here.  This REALLY happened. These children are dead, their teachers are dead and I'm sure those parents...well those parents are dead too, but in a different way. Tears began to roll down my face as I produced the two items I had brought to contribute. My sons batman snap bracelet, that I inscribed 'May the Lord protect and keep you--RIP 26' and the other my 90 day sobriety coin. I said a prayer, kissed my items and gently placed them next to a green stuffed teddy bear. I pulled the hood up over my head and walked back in silence with a tear streaked face and a snotty nose. 

The hour drive back home seemed to take forever but I pulled over and made a short phone call.
'Hey buddy it's Mom'
'Hi Mommy'
'I just needed to tell you that I love you, I love you more than anyone else in this whole entire world and I will never stop loving you'

and out of the simplistic mouth of a five year old he replied

'me too Mommy, me too"